WORST FASHION DISASTERS 2008...part 1(TRULY THE WORST OF A VERY BAD BUNCH !! )Seeing as it's that time of year again, I have gathered together the best of the worst of the random fashion disasters - these are all the fantastically bad outfits that didn't get featured for one reason or another during the year - usually because the event wasn't one I happened to cover...
Kylie wows them in her very own version of the mini-bustle...
There were so many that I have had to split it all up into four sections of roughly three or four months each, and then, at the very end, I will do a special for the one celebrity who gets my coveted award for the Worst-Dressed Celebrity of the Year, by virtue of the fact that they feature the most times, thus demonstrating a truly alarming talent for crap outfits... and you have to guess who it will be - it will be the one person who is conspicuous by their absence in the rest of the posts, and it won't be someone you are necessarily familiar with either, although I have featured them several times in the past !!
JANUARYJanuary and February were the busiest two months of the year for really bad dresses, simply because it is Award Season over in the States, what with the Golden Globes, the Oscars, and the Sag Awards all taking place in the first two months of the year, and even though there wasn't a Golden Globes Ceremony this year, there were enough bad dresses to keep me busy for the entire eight or nine weeks...KYLIE MINOGUE Now then, Kylie usually wears things that are head-turning, even if they are crap, and this is no exception...I mean - what IS this ?!!
It is a short dress, in a summery, flowery print - a very loud eighties-style print actually - with an Edwardian bustle tied around the skirt - I mean how random is that ?!!
Come on - Kylie - you can do better than this...LAKE BELL This is without doubt, one of the ugliest dresses of the entire year, simply by virtue of the fact that it bears more than a passing resemblance to something that Flash Gordon's girlfriend might have rejected, on the grounds that it was too flashy...
The thing I hate the most about this awful dress is the stiffness and awkwardness of it all, and the fact that the seams are frayed along the edges - intentionally? I hope not !! Oh and the fact that it ends far too abruptly as if she hacked three feet off before she came out, in desperation...
Hmm, perhaps she should have chosen something else instead !!LUCY LIUWell, words simply fail me here...Lucy chose a beautiful pink cape designed by Valentino, formed by huge circles - hundreds of them,all linked together to form this gorgeous chiffony concoction - a Valentino classic in the making...
I recognise the pink cape from my trip to Paris earlier this year, where I saw it in the marvellous Musee de les Arts Decoratif, as part of their Valentino Retrospective Exhibition, to commemorate his retirement this year, after forty-five years...in the exhibition, it looked like this :- However, instead of teaming it with a matching pale pink dress, as in the photo above - which is what Valentino did in his runway show - she chose to ruin it completely by wearing it over something entirely unsuitable, which then fought a running battle with it, and probably lost... Of course, Valentino is watching with horror as his design ideas are ruined by stars who have no idea how to wear this type of thing...
Is it Lucy who should be shot or her stylist...or maybe both, for agreeing with each other ?!!LYNDSAY RODRIGUES Strictly speaking, I suppose I shouldn't really include this, on the grounds that it may have been fancy dress, looking at the wall signs behind her...but, hey, I'm going to anyway !!
Fingerless gloves, kinky underwear, fishnets, garters and a skirt slashed to the waist are not, I am led to believe, what decent girlies are wearing this year...
However, I am willing to be pronounced wrong in this matter, because it will mean a far more entertaining 2009 to come, here at the Fashion Police headquarters, if this is the case...so do tell me I'm wrong !!
COCO I was hoping that we might get to know of a new contender to the already hotly-contended title of World's Most Tacky Dresser, and here she is...so how does she stand up to the competition ?
Let's see...
Thick glossy mane of bleached hair teamed with a spray-on tan...check !
Upthrusting bosom spilling out of lacy bra...check !
Midriff exposed...check !
Skintight leggings displaying a champion standard camel-toe...check !
Cheap and tacky nail-job resulting in pure white talons an inch long...check !
White stiletto fuck-me shoes...check !
Well, I say...how about that? A full 100% checklist !! - the only element missing is the see-through top...
Pammie, Katie, and Jodie had better look to their laurels and make an effort if they don't want to be usurped here !!
Coco is, of course, the shy and retiring wife of Ice-T, and we look forward to featuring more of her antics in the coming year...FEBRUARY
February was even busier than January last year, mainly because of the Oscars and various other Awards Ceremonies...and also, of course, all the Ready To Wear shows for Autumn 2008 were going on at the same time too..so therefore there were loads of other random celebrity sartorial cock-ups that didn't get a look in because of my own time constraints...so we shall start with this...
BRITTANY MURPHY
Seeing as this was photographed at the Matthew Williamson RTW Show for Autumn 2008, it is reasonable to assume that Brittany is wearing a Matthew Williamson design - and so she is, although the only thing is that I couldn't find it..
here is the nearest dress I could find, and therefore it is reasonable to conclude that she has either customised it, or has persuaded Matthew to alter the design slightly for her...
See - the beautiful butterfly-wing print with the contrasting border-print is the same, but the design is fundamentally different - no matter, because the dress itself I have no quarrel with at all...How she is wearing it is, of course, another story !!
The white scarf and the white shoes worn over black leggings just have to go...and what's with the neon pink lipstick - no, no, no !!
Go to the back of the class and see me after school...
GOLDIE HAWN
This somewhat strange concoction is playing havoc with Goldie's reputation for still being sexy after all these years, and also still interesting...
This dress just makes her look droopy, shapeless,and as dull as ditchwater...something she is obviously aware of because - well...have you ever seen such an embarrassed grin ? Even her neck is looking forced...
And for goodness sake - wear a bra...there is something inherently wrong with seeing nipples after the age of about thirty-five...sorry Goldie, but I really don't want to see yours !!
JULIETTE BINOCHE Juliette's dress is suffering from much the same complaint as Goldie's..namely that it is shapeless, boring, of indeterminate length, and very unsexy...layers of dull grey chiffon over black makes for a peculiar washed-out look, which reminds me of dirty underwear - not a good look for an awards ceremony or a film premiere, which is what this looks like...or any other event, for that matter, where the press cameras are going to be flashin away !KERRY WASHINGTON Kerry wore this deeply horrible Oscar de la Renta outfit to the Film Independant Spirit Awards, and nearly took away an award herself, for the most ugly outfit - I mean, how many acidic yellow skintight polo-necks do you see through the course of the year ?
No - I didn't think so, and why? Because they look awful, that's why !!
This is so wrong on every level that it would be simply too obvious to state just why I hate this look so much, so I shall shut up and let you revel in its glory...LADY VICTORIA HERVEY Lady Vic is not looking quite so painfully thin here as she usually does, which is a good thing, I must admit...however, her choice of dress doesn't merely go off the rails - it does a really good crash and burn as well....
A totally messy top-half combined with a totally see-through bottom-half, with no fashion sense whatsoever where choice of jewellery and accessories is concerned...although I will concede that her armlet is a beauty, it is obvious to me that the pendant is far too big and takes away from the bodice of the dress, which, in any case, is a mess, and her bag is an inappropriate colour...
This dress would be improved a hundred times if it had an under layer to make it opaque...the glossy fabric is quite pretty and the chainmail bodice wrapover could be interesting if it was tidied up a bit...
Oh for goodness sake, why don't they come to me for advice - I'll sort them out !!
LINDSAY LOHAN No prizes for guessing that this is a Fendi design then - for all that, it is a weird dress with its circles overskirt and it's stripey halterneck bodice - it isn't so bad really - it's just that I honestly don't think Lindsay Lohan is interesting enough to carry this off...
If this had been worn by Tilda Swinton, or perhaps Dita von Teese, it would have been worn with panache and flair, and we would have all sat up and taken notice even though Tilda makes my Worst-dressed list more often than my Best-dressed one, she has the personality that this dress demands...and Lindsay doesn't - that's all !!
I think she'd dearly like to - and it's always good to have something to aspire to, isn't it ?!!SOPHIE ELLIS BEXTER Every time I see Sophie, she always reminds me of a delicate china doll - her features are so fine and dainty, that she should really wear things that show that off..therefore why, in God's Name, is she wearing what looks like a huge voluminous maternity smock from the seventies, complete with feathers around the neck and clown make-up ?!! She looks like an extra from David Bowie's "Ashes to Ashes" video from the eighties !!
Shapeless and hideous, and far, far too big for her tiny frame...this is what she will look like if she puts on any weight in the far future...and in case you are wondering, Erdem is the fashion company responsible for this travesty...
Sophie - be warned !!ZANG ZIYI Zang Ziyi is wearing the strangest dress I have seen for this month - yes - even stranger than Lindsay's creation by Fendi...
I don't know who designed this but I wish I did, if just tosee what else they have come up with !!
For a start, yellow worn with any type of pearl, gold, or glittery embellishment is just wrong - tacky and overstated, it ends up looking tinselly and cheap, as if she had bought it from the dump-bin at her local Asian bazaar...
Also, the whole panel of thick embroidery looks clunky and over the top - heavy embroidery looks better on a heavy and richer-coloured dress, not some lightweight yellow chiffon shortie...
Everything about this outfit could have been done better - the gold lurexy bag should have been silver to match the embroidery, which, in itself, should have been lighter-weight and more delicate...the shape of the dress is awkward and unflattering - the neckline especially - and the heavy embroidery panel makes her look round-shouldered and droopy - anything else ?
Well, I don't particularly like her shoes either...
Yes, January and February were fantastic months for Bad Dressing amongst the rich and famous...it will take the next three months together to equal them, so March, April and May 2008 will be up next...
Stay tuned !! |
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